Five Months

Time is flying, and it makes me cry (kind of like most things). I remind myself often that I would not want to prolong Ruby's infant days, but the thought that our firstborn will someday never be a baby again seems like a loss somedays. I guess we'll have to have a few more :) I know I always say this, but I think I will blame it all on the hormones.

During Ruby's fifth month, we took a trip to Wichita to visit her Nana, Papa Coach, and Aunt Shiloh. From Wichita we traveled on to Lincoln, Nebraska for her to visit her Great Grandma and Grandpa Miller and a host of extended family. She logged 23 hours of car time, and I think she might have fussed for maybe an hour of it total. She didn't seem to mind her carseat too much, and if I kept her fed and changed, she was a happy lady. I am very thankful for that, since it seems like we are going to be quite the traveling bunch.

We also celebrated Easter with friends and family. The Saturday before Palm Sunday we had an Easter party with our small group. On Easter Sunday we celebrated with family at Calvary Baptist and at my parent's house.

Month number five also brought Ruby's first little cold and the beginning of our cloth diapering endeavor. We are mainly using fitteds and prefolds with covers. It is going well, and I have gotten to where I only have to wash diapers about once a week. I have continued to breastfeed, and I think I will keep it up until Ruby turns one. Regardless of whatever I do (supplements, pumping, beer, increasing calories, not working out as much, pumping after feedings, etc.) I am pretty sure Ruby only gets about 4 oz./feeding from me, so we are supplementing with Nutramigen since she has a dairy sensitivity. Anytime I want to quit, I remember that formula is quite expensive and that any nursing is beneficial. So we continue. I think you she is outgrowing her sensitivity, because I have slowly been introducing more dairy into my diet and she does not seem as bothered by it. Her little face and forehead breaks out a little, but it is nothing compared to what it was a few months ago.

Ruby, some of your favorite things include your soft "hello baby" book, your bottle or anything that resembles a bottle, nursing, pacis (taking them out and putting them back in), listening to singing, looking at your Dad's iphone, looking at people, looking at books, hanging your head upside down, and going outside. You are the sweetest little lady that loves to talk and giggle all day long. I think you truly enjoy your days that you spend with Gigi, and this makes work much more enjoyable. I wouldn't and couldn't go if I knew you were at home and miserable. I continue to work two days per week while you stay at home with her. You have been much more fussy when it comes to going to sleep for naps, so I've let you cry a few times. You basically cry when you see me leave the room if you aren't completely asleep. Then when I walk back in, you smile and kick your little legs. So, we're still working on falling asleep for naps now that you are older and more aware. I'm pretty sure you just kind of slept and floated through your first few months of life. I like that you are a little more preferential now.

Levi and I are so thankful for our little Rubix cube. She's the best part of our every day and the light of our lives. When I think about all the joy she has brought us, 6 months of throwing up continuously honestly doesn't sound AS bad. :)

Good Friday

As I was singing to Ruby while rocking her to sleep this week, the same song kept coming to mind. Stuart Townend's How Deep the Father's Love is one of my favorites. 

"How deep the Father's love for us, 
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory."

This Easter season, Good Friday has taken on a whole new meaning in my heart. Now that I have my own child, the word "searing" seems the perfect fit to describe the loss that God felt as His only Son was crucified, taking on the sin of the world. A loss that is extreme, intense, and leaves its mark upon the one experiencing it. 

This week I got my panties in a wad when someone cut me off in traffic. I got my feelings hurt , and I was offended when an individual falsely accused me of something. I raised my voice when Ruby was screaming non stop while water was pouring out of my bathroom pipes. I wanted to make Levi feel guilty for not being available during a hard time. I spent an enormous amount of time on facebook and about 10 minutes in prayer. I gossiped. I doubted that God really had any kind of plan for me and my family. I complained. I grumbled. I assumed I was better than the next person. The list goes on. 

God's grace has allowed me to recognize (although I'll never understand) His searing loss, His Son's sacrifice, and the implications it has for my stony heart. Christ came for the sick, He served, and He was obedient even to the point of death. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is in me, empowering me to love and extend grace, kindness, and even (gasp!) forgiveness. I am privileged to share in His sufferings. I pray that when searing loss inevitably comes my way that I will count it as an honor to share in Christ's sufferings and will always be mindful of the hope I have in Him. 

I just don't really know what to do except keep singing those verses over and over again until they penetrate deeply. 

How deep the Father's love for us! 

Four Month Socialite

Having a four month old has been so much more fun than all the other months combined. Although, I did go up to the hospital the other day to see a friend of mine and her newborn, and all of the sudden I was convinced that having a newborn was the best thing ever. Wow. Hormones are RAGING.

Ruby's fourth month was quite an adventure. She took a trip with me, her Gigi, and her Aunt Lauren to go see her Aunt Hill in Nashville. She did fine in her carseat, slept most of the way, and really was quite a delight the entire trip. I am trying to warn myself (and Levi) that our next kid might not be this easy going. But, for now, we'll take it!

What else did we do in February? I went back to work part time and left Ruby at home with her Gigi two days per week for the past four weeks. I feel guilty when I get to work and forget about her for a few minutes. Then I remember her when I have to pump every couple hours :) My breasts will never let me forget her for too long. Overall it has been a seamless transition with only one emotional breakdown (me not Ruby) on the eve of my first day back. My mom assures me that Ruby never really fusses and seems happy as a clam, so I hope she isn't lying.

We went to the doctor, and Ruby weighs about 13 pounds. She is back on the charts for weight and is climbing the charts for height. Now that I avoid chocolate, citrus fruit, and dairy, her face is silky smooth. Her favorite thing to do is "talk", and I'm pretty sure the first time she laughed this month my heart melted to the floor. Sweetest thing ever. She thinks I am pretty funny these days as she does anyone who will sit there and make silly noises like an idiot for any extended period of time. Four months old also brought more of a realization to her that she does in fact have fingers and toes. She loves to just look at them, eat them, and grab things. When I rock her she tries to reach out and touch my face with her slobbery little fingers. Also very sweet. Naps were going great until I transitioned her into her crib. I won't complain, though, because the girl has slept through the night since she was 8 weeks old!

Levi is finally done with basketball season, which means he is home more nights of the week. This has been wonderful and really excites me about summer. We are finally into our "groove" of having a baby and it is getting harder to remember what life was like before we had Rubes. It definitely wasn't as smelly, slobbery, or wonderful. She brings us such joy!

Here are some pictures from February...

Three Months Old!

A few days after my 23 hour labor with Ruby my entire body broke out into a hive like rash for a week, my newborn was still jaundiced, my husband was back at work, I was 30ish pounds overweight, sitting and lifting my leg to walk up the 40 steps to our condo was painful, and I was definitely sleep deprived, my sister reminded me of the following: " In a long and simultaneously lightening fast year, you will look back and only half way remember all of this.  And now you know why." I still laugh that she said this to me. It was just so poignant and true! Now, after three months, we are 25% through this first "lightening fast" year, and I am learning to be content in each "stage". The newborn first month or so was definitely the most emotional and the biggest adjustment. The second month threw me a curve ball when the doctor told me my kid wasn't gaining weight. The third month, though, has been such a fun and less stressful time! I know Levi and I will have highs and lows through out the rest of our lives with children. It is almost like there is a piece of you disconnected from your body that is your child...a piece of you that will always cause you to be more vulnerable, feel things more deeply, bring you more joy, and cause you deeper emotions than ever before. I am okay with this, but it makes me all the more thankful for the "fun" months!

Ruby, this month you love to interact. You coo and "talk" all morning and evening with me and whoever else will sit there and stare at you long enough to get you engaged. You have tried to reach for your toys a little bit, roll over from your tummy to your back, and are great at controlling your head. You are finally gaining weight despite your cow's milk allergy and failure to thrive issues. We nurse and supplement all the live long day! You are always moving your long skinny fingers, sucking on  your hand, kicking your legs, and making your signature "snort" noise. Probably ten people just in the past week have commented that they love your thick hair and that it is looking strawberry blonde. Your dad was holding you the other night and it was undeniable that you are his child! You both really have the same eyes, forehead, head shape, and little ears that stick out. You have started to use your uncoordinated hand movements to touch your paci when it is falling out. If I was allowed to let you, you would sleep 12 hours every night. Right now I wake up after 6-8 to feed. You also take about 3-4 naps per day, usually for 1-2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon. You are doing a great job at taking a bottle when it is time. You love your swing and looking at your self in the mirror. You also seem to actually enjoy your baths now, which is great. Now that I am off dairy, your little complexion is just flawless. Sorry for chugging 20-30 ounces of whole milk every day those first 10 weeks...

Your dad and I often sit around and marvel at the fact that you are ours and what joy you bring us even in the mundane of life. You are our precious light...our Ruby Clare, and we love you very much!

Christmas

Ruby, your first Christmas was a fun but busy one! We began our Christmas festivities at Papa and Gigi's house a few days before Christmas. Here we ate beef tenderloin, mashed potatoes, green beans, and red velvet cake. We enjoyed Gigi's beautiful decorations and her giant nativity scene. We opened presents, and you received some clothes, bows, shoes, and a pack and play to sleep in when you travel. Your cousin Evie did not seem to mind you as much as she once did, and Aunt Lauren and Aunt Hill loved getting to hold you!

That night, we packed up the car and headed for Kansas City around ten o' clock. Uncle Seth rode with us. I sat in the back with you and crossed my fingers that you would sleep the whole way. You did! We stopped one time for gas, and arrived in Kansas City seven hours later a little sleepy but in good spirits! We spent the whole day at Great Aunt Jude's house, celebrating with the Miller extended family. We ate together, opened presents, and took a family picture in the basement. Your facial rash flared pretty badly, so I worried about that. I spent part of the day on the phone with Papa and a misinformed nurse through the medical exchange that was sure you had cellulitis. You didn't.

That night, we packed up the car again and headed for Wichita. You slept the whole way again, and finally made it to Nana and Coach's house for the first time! We had such a great time spending time with family, opening presents, playing games, and eating our weight in cookie dough balls and other baked goods (all the while your rash got worse and worse and spread down to your trunk and legs). Nana never stopped cooking or baking! Aunt Shiloh and all your uncles passed you around and so enjoyed spending time with you. One night Coach babysat you so that I could go see Les Mis. We even got to spend a few extra days in Wichita, because Little Rock had a snow/ice storm and the road conditions were unsafe for travel.

A week later, we packed up for the third time and headed home. The trip home was a little brutal. You were awake almost the whole time, screaming to eat or to get out of your car seat. Eventually, though, we made it home to unpack all of our Christmas loot. Whew. What a week!

Next year I hope to have a special time just as a family of three to celebrate the birth of Christ. I also hope to start a few Christmas traditions. This year was a bit of a blur, and I didn't feel as if I had the time or energy to do this! Someday I hope you understand how important and special Christmas is to us as Christians. I pray you realize that Jesus came to earth to defeat death and give us hope and life. A little heavy handed for an 8 week old, but maybe in a few years! :)

Two Months Old!

Ruby, your second month brought some fun times and some not so fun times. It has probably been the most stressful (for all of us) so far. Here's a quick chronicle of the ups and the downs.

Ups:
- You started to really enjoy looking at yourself in your mirror, making eye contact and smiling, looking at your toys, staring at colorful objects, staring at spinning objects (you love the fan!), taking baths, and sleeping. At 8 weeks you started sleeping anywhere from 6-12 hours per night.
- You love to kick your little legs at all times!

Downs:
- You didn't gain any weight from month 1 to month 2, so at your 2 month checkup you still weighed in at 8 pounds, 9 ounces. I, of course, felt like a horrible mom, but I tried really hard not to make it all about me and my performance! The doctor was worried at first, but after she listened to your heart and lungs and checked you over, she reported that there was nothing physiologically wrong...so it must be me. With you sleeping through the night and missing so many feedings, my milk supply had plummeted and you were not eating enough. I felt so silly that I didn't really even realize. I knew you were small, but I didn't realize just how small. So began the weight gaining mission! We started feeding every 2 hours around the clock and every 3 at night. I started pumping, drinking Mother's Milk tea, taking Fenugreek tablets, and supplementing with formula after you nursed. Sadly, you HATED the formula, but I finally got some in you one night while you were too sleepy to notice what you were drinking. The next morning I woke you up, and you had a full body rash. It was so bad that I checked to make sure you were breathing. Yikes. Good thing we were supposed to see the doctor that day anyway. I took you in to All For Kids a little early, and after a few doctors came in and looked at you they referred me to a dermatologist with whom I was NOT impressed. At the end of the day, though, all the medical health professionals agreed you probably are allergic to cow's milk. Aha! This would explain your facial rashes that continued to come and go and the reaction to the formula. After this hurdle, I gave up dairy, and (after a lot of prayer!) you finally developed a taste for Nutramagin. We are now nursing, supplementing, feeding and weighing often. My milk supply is back up. You gained a pound last week and are back in the 23rd percentile. Yay Rubes! Whew. It's been a crazy month. I'm thankful to get to continue nursing you and that you are now thriving. This saga was great experience as a feeding therapist but not so great as a mommy.
- More eating means less sleeping, so you are no longer sleeping through the night. I never thought I would have to wake up my baby consistently to make them eat, but it is so very important that we get you fattened up.
- You spit up a lot more thanks to the formula.

Here are some precious pictures of what you have been up to!

Looking at your sweet little face in the mirror

Playin'

Tummy time

Chillin' with your cow

Lovin' your cow

Sweetie pie!

Sound asleep in your Snugabunny

Love you Rubes and so thankful that you are getting fatter by the day! :)

Clarks come to town!

The first week in December was a fun one, because the Clarks came to town! Your Great Grandma and Grandpa Clark along with your Great Uncle Lewie and Great Aunt Margie traveled all the way to Little Rock just to meet you. We had fun going out to eat and playing games. They all thoroughly enjoyed holding you and snuggling with you! It was a fun and special time. Here are some pictures from the weekend.

Grandma Clark loves babies!

Snuggling with your Aunt Margie

Lewie wasn't quite sure...

Four generations

Family pic